Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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