her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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