Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
