All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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