Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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