On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
