there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
