so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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