operation harelip BJ is a go
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
