Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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