There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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