nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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