I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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