don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I believe in your delicious
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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