jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
