I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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