Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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