i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
