someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
