Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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