My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
