woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She told me I should be a condom model.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
