I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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