the condom got lost in my hair
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
