you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
