I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
