i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
