I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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