I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
