FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
