i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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