Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
