1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
