what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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