...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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