That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
