my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
