the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
