ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i now understand why vodka
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
