I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
