and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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