I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
