I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I smell like Dick and happiness
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
