I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
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i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
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I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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