he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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