I wanna bring you to show and tell
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
