Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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