My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
