You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
