if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
