This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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