So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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