Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
