Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
