Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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