That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
