Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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