I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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