How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
