Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
