my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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