He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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