You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize