my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
